And Words Are All I Have


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Edgar Bergen

When Can You Start?

'I don't believe I've ever read a resume in rhyme before.'
Everyone wants a job. To have money for Twizzlers, takeout coffee, a good shampoo, and cars.

The only hitch is you have to go through an interview to get one. It’s a nasty gauntlet, competition out there is brutal, and no matter how well you feel you’ve prepared, within five minutes of the sit-down you are sweating like a musician writing a check.

But with a little research you can easily brush up on the rules and etiquette governing the interview process and arm yourself with sure-fire ways to convince the interviewer that you are, indeed, “the one.”

For starters, avoid these 10 simple things and get an instant leg up on 99% of your fellow applicants.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During a Job Interview.

1. When asked your favorite recreational activity, do not mention coming top five in the Annual Open Throat Beer Drinking Contest in Daytona every March break for the past nine years.

2. Do not slip a twenty into the interviewer’s palm when you shake it. (Make it at least a C-note.)

3. Men, refrain from asking the female interviewer: “So, are you married or what?”

4. Women: Do not ask “Does anyone else finds it hot in here?” and then lift your top up to wave some cool air in.

5. When asked about personal achievements do not mention the time in Grade Six you took a classmate down to Chinatown after she called you a suck-up.

6. Do not fidget, proclaiming: “I’ve been so frickin’ itchy lately.”

7. Do not lie. They'll find out very quickly you didn't just sabbatical at the Sorbonne.

8. Do not list among your strengths that you watched the movie “Air Bud” all the way through and did not cry, not even once.

9. Do not ask, at any point: “How much longer do you think this is going to take?”

10. Do not ask, just before leaving, “Is there anywhere I can get a beer around here?”

woman solitary

These nuggets of advice come from a friend of mine in corporate HR, a veteran in these trenches.

1. a) Do not arrive late. b) Do not wear flip-flops. (Friend swears she’s witnessed both.)

2. Do not call your friends while waiting and bellow about how bored you are.

3. Do not walk unannounced into the interviewer's office and announce: “I haven't got all day!"

4. Do not open with this: “I forgot my resume. But here are my ideas to fix this company.”

5. Women: Do not ask in conspiratorial tones, “Are there are as many men here as, like, say, in the Navy?”

6. Do not snatch papers off the interviewer’s desk with the comment: “Let’s see what kind of rip-off operation you are running here.”

7. Do not bring your mother with you into the interview. (Again, my friend swears.)

8. Do not ask how the interviewer got his job, snort, and say: "Well, I won’t bother doing all that.”

9. Do not bring an extra large takeout pizza into the interview room with you, announcing: “Hope ya like extra chopped onion!”

10. When told your hours will be 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. do not ask if that means “every day.”

Now go get ‘em.

Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Job applicant: I'm an optimist and a postive thinker.
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Applicant: When do I start?

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I am here, listening. Share your own stories with me, gentle reader.
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